With a return Royal visit on the cards this Christmas to Mullinahone for the ‘special’ waters, Dr Garrett FitzGerald examines the further fall-out from the Windsor family’s continued longevity.
Big nights coming up over the Christmas in Mullinahone! Charles is coming back for treatment soon.
Philly and Lillabet are after telling Charles he better take a break after making a pork-miceál of himself again. They have asked the dwindled Dwight of the dwarf Dwyer-Dwans to have the special waters ready and hoped that they would steep the lad’s head in it q.i.d. while he is on leave over here. Cameron has asked Enda to close the ports here — after yer man arrives.
I suppose everyone has seen Seoirsín’s interview where he insisted that the Syrian war is a result of climate change. Most of my acquaintances found that the watching experience was stunning and left them with mouths in the ‘O sign’ position. It is consensus that, perhaps, chez Charlie, the wheel may be turning but the hamster is in big trouble.
Whereas the prince will be given the usual céad míle fáilte and invited to deliver his annual lecture during Christmas week (this year entitled ‘The Role of the Ozone Layer in the Losing of All-Irelands’), there are worries amongst the elders that the parents mightn’t visit again; people might get the idea that they are related to the misfortunate cawbogue.
No worries — dispatches from the Palace indicate that Philly is all for coming. “Bring it on, youssir!” said the nonagenarian. “When I’m standing next to my boy Numpty, how good will I look meself? Answer me that!”
Dwight, the youngest (born c 1434) and most stunted of the Dwyer-Dwans, during an interview on a high stool on Tipp FM, pulled no punches about the princely nature of the challenge facing the clinic. This hoor would require very close man-marking and many oodles of the ‘special’ waters. There was an element of water-boarding about it, he joked.
The therapist would have to conduct the irrigations around the foot in yer man’s mouth.
There was always a case to be made for optimism in facing these obstacles. As an example he noted a recent success in the instance of a clergyman from back beyond Upperchurch.
Only three days into therapy, the holy man had abandoned his conviction that he would attain great success as a single-sex wedding-planner in Tehran.
As we speak, there is a long line of carts — loaded with churns of ‘special’ water — causing traffic mayhem on the roads from Killenaule, Grangemockler and Fethard. Opportunistic horticulturalists along the main routes are having a field-day scooping the horse manure into sacks.
Pic: Getty Images
Whatever about local effects of the royal visit, there is great concern internationally about his proposed treatment. EU leaders have already been in touch with regulatory agencies including the Irish Medicines Board, HIQA, the European Medicines Agency, the HSE, the Harry Potter Foundation, the EU Commission and representatives from Tír na nÓg.
There is great alarm about the likelihood of side-effects of the Dwyer-Dwan waters. Experts in Trinity point out that there is already anecdotal evidence that immersion, when combined with the use of grey enamel baths, might extend old age ‘well beyond a joke’.
In support of this worrying claim, they point to some obvious hints; the already unreasonable and bizarre longevity of the owners of Buckingham Palace, the average age — around 581 years — of the dwarf Dwyer-Dwan family (it was noted that this family, albeit tiny in stature nowadays, was well above the average height of the population back in the 1400s when most of the current family were gossoons — local folklore has it that the crossbar was tied on at only four foot eight inches for both hurling and football matches back then).
Finally, it has been put about that the local population don’t get up before 12 in the day and they have their dinner soon after that.
Investigators are to arrive in droves and airplanes as soon as the Gardaí give the word that the churn lines have eased.
Clever commentators are saying that all this regulatory stuff is a smokescreen to hide a more serious agenda. The Boston Globe has leaked a story that the big worry is that Seoirsín will benefit most and will go on and on and on living. (His favourite song is ‘My Heart Will Go On’ from Titanic).
Paddy Power is giving lousy odds against him becoming king between 2065 and 2090. The plan, it seems, is that Willie too will take the waters annually at Mullinahone, ascending to the throne of Sussex, about 50 years after the second coming.
Little Georgie will succeed him as King of Whitehall when the earth is 18 degrees warmer.
At present, the only forlornish hope is that global warming will, at some yet unspecified time, inactivate the effective ingredients of the Dwyer-Dwan immersions.
Check in here at IMT for breaking news in the story — in a few hundred years.